Just Kidding Read online

  Chapter 3

  All you need is love and a hamburger.

  -Rowen’s secret thoughts

  Rowen

  My mother was staring at me with murder in her eyes.

  “I’m going to fucking kill her,” she snarled. “I’m going to revive her, and then I’m going to kill her again.”

  I would’ve laughed had she not been completely serious.

  “Mother.” Derek came into the kitchen, his eyes wide and on me. “You can’t admit those kind of things in front of your Alexa. She’ll send that data she just picked up to the cops and if Shondra winds up dead, you’re gonna be the first person that they come to look for.”

  We all three turned to look at the Alexa sitting on my mother’s kitchen counter.

  Dad hadn’t wanted the Alexa.

  He’d said it was just an invitation for the government to come into our home and listen to whatever we said.

  It was only after Derek had pointed out that our phones had the same capabilities that Alexa did that Dad finally allowed her to plug it in.

  And Mom loved it.

  Dad? Not so much.

  He still thought it was an invasion of privacy.

  He was also convinced that the Alexa was the reason that he got so many ads in his browser telling him to buy a certain product that he and my mom were discussing at some point the night before.

  Which, on that note, I believed him.

  How the hell did Facebook and Instagram know that I was in need of wigs and hats if they weren’t listening in on my conversations in some way? I mean, it wasn’t like I’d actively searched for the products.

  “I don’t care,” Mom finally said. “I’m livid, Derek. Livid.”

  Derek’s eyes took in my bald head, and I saw his hand clench around his coffee mug.

  Yep, he was pissed, too.

  “If you didn’t have such a cute head.” Katy came into the kitchen then, her husband, Logan, hot on her heels. “I would be a lot more worried about this. But honestly, you look adorable with your head shaved.”

  That was the only thing on my body that looked ‘adorable.’

  I looked down at my simple black leggings, dressier blue top, and ballet flats.

  They were my comfort clothes.

  If I was still in San Antonio, I would’ve tried to be a little dressier. But this was Kilgore, Texas. Not San Antonio.

  People weren’t going to care if I was wearing leggings or jeans, to be honest.

  Mom clenched her hands into fists as Katy walked up to her and gave her a peck on the cheek.

  “Chill, Mom,” Derek said as Katy walked to the kitchen cabinet and pulled herself a mug down.

  Logan dropped a kiss onto Mom’s forehead, and I smiled.

  “Where are the twins?” Mom asked.

  “Daycare,” Katy sighed. “They’re doing so well. It sucks. I expected them to miss me more.”

  I snorted out a laugh.

  Katy and Logan’s twins were adorable… and handfuls.

  Instead of moving away from my mom, Logan stayed and draped his heavy arm over her shoulders.

  He was already dressed in uniform and ready to go on shift, so I wondered why he was here so early in the morning when he could’ve spent a few more minutes at home instead.

  But then I rolled my eyes.

  They were all here for one thing and one thing only.

  My bald head.

  “You do look cute,” Logan said as he studied me.

  I rolled my eyes again, this time so hard that it made my head hurt.

  “Whatever,” I said. “How’s the morning sickness, Katy?”

  Katy gave me the stink eye and sighed.

  “I only threw up on one corpse yesterday,” she said, sounding proud of herself. “Luckily, it was only his hand. I had to do an autopsy for an insurance company. The jerks. I guess it could’ve been worse and been one of the murder investigations I’ve been working on.”

  Mom looked at her.

  “You’re going to have to learn to control it a little better,” Mom suggested. “It’s not going to go away any time soon. Which you should know since this is your second pregnancy.” She grinned then. “When I was pregnant with Derek, I threw up in the middle of the police station. Everyone saw it. I was never more embarrassed in my life.”

  Katy made a sound in the back of her throat, then took a sip of coffee.

  “You’re not supposed to be drinking coffee, either,” Mom continued.

  Katy shot my mother the stink eye over the rim of the coffee cup.

  “I’m making it for Logan,” she paused. “And taking a drink of it.”

  I rolled my eyes and walked up to the cup that was to her lips.

  “That’s why it’s halfway gone?” I asked.

  She turned and studied me, her eyes narrowed.

  “I don’t remember you being this mean when you left,” she pointed out.

  I grinned at her.

  “I’m not being mean,” I countered. “I’m being real. And you’re allowed to have caffeine. Just not copious amounts.”

  Mom sighed from behind me and started ticking off the merits of eating healthy and following guidelines while you were pregnant so that the children didn’t come out acting like hers.

  I rolled my eyes and waited for her to finish.

  Katy held out the coffee cup to me, and I took a sip of it before passing it to Logan.

  Logan took the cup, glanced inside, then snorted.

  “This is like a quarter of the way full now,” he pointed out. “A swallow at most.”

  I took the cup back from him and finished it off.

  He huffed out a laugh and took the cup from me, bumping his wife out of the way with his hip as he got himself a cup of coffee.

  “That’s probably what you should’ve done in the first place,” Derek suggested. “Never trust a woman to do something for you. There are always hidden agendas underneath their ‘kind’ gestures.”

  Katy threw her arm around my neck, and we both stared at Derek as if he was a bug.

  “You’re thinking what I’m thinking, right?” she whispered.

  “That he won’t retaliate against you for what I think you want to do?” I asked just as quietly.

  “Yeah,” she whispered. “I’ll get him. You distract him.”

  Derek’s eyes narrowed on us.

  “What are y’all whispering about over there?” he asked, tensing.

  I moved forward, feeling Katy’s arm drop from around my shoulders, and walked right up to my brother.

  Katy gave it a few seconds before moving, too.

  “Derek,” I said. “Does my head make me look like a boy?”

  Logan choked behind me on the swallow of coffee he’d just partaken in.

  Derek looked panicked for a few seconds as he said, “No.”

  “Are you sure?” I asked as I took his hand. “Feel how soft my head is.”

  Derek allowed me to take his hand and rub it along my head.

  “It feels like a hairless cat,” he said.

  I frowned. “What does a hairless cat feel like?” I asked. “And why do you know what one feels like?”

  Katy snuck around to his other side while I had him distracted.

  “Puppy, monkey, baby!”

  I watched out of the corner of my eye as she leaned down, then licked him on his face, across his cheek, over his eye, all the way to his forehead.

  Derek reacted instantly, but since I still had his hand and was holding on for dear life, Katy was able to get away and hide behind Logan before he’d even made it out of his seat.

  That was how I made my mistake.

  I should’ve run while he was distracted.

  But I’d forgotten how fast Derek had gotten.

  When we used to do this, he’d been a gangly teenager with poor reaction time.

  Now? Well, now he was a badass ninja who could
do things that I couldn’t imagine.

  Just as I took a step back, Derek’s hand locked on my wrist and pulled me toward him.

  Despite fighting as hard as I possibly could, his strength was just way too much for me to ever put up a solid fight against.

  “Noooo!” I cried out. “Save me, Katy!”

  Katy was too busy laughing her ass off hanging onto Logan to do anything.

  My mother just watched, unaffected, as chaos ensued in her kitchen.

  “Daddy!” I yelled. “Help!”

  My dad, who was on the back porch talking on the phone, flicked his gaze over his shoulder.

  He took one glance and then turned back around as if my imminent death didn’t affect him in the least.

  “Daddyyyyyy!” I cried again as Derek finally got his arms around me and was pulling me in. “Help, Daddy! You told me you would always be there!”

  By this point I was screeching.

  “Don’t you dare, Derek Dammit!” I burst out when he started heading toward the back yard.

  “Don’t I dare do what?” Derek asked as he transferred my entire body weight to one arm and reached for the doorknob.

  I fought harder, knowing where this was going, kicking, screaming, and biting.

  “Oowww!” Derek said when I bit him on the forearm. “That hurt!”

  Yet he still didn’t let me go.

  And when I went to bite him again, he took that moment to yank the door open and start running.

  “Daddy!” I cried out again. “Please! I’ll buy you a cookie!”

  Dad watched, dispassionate, as Derek carried me to the edge of the pool.

  “You throw me in here, Derek Dammit, and I’ll…”

  I hit the water with a rush.

  And the water that was cold—so fucking cold—year-round.

  I froze my ass off as I sank like a stone to the bottom of the pool.

  I stayed there for what felt like forever, until I couldn’t possibly hold my breath anymore.

  By the time I breached the surface, there was a very worried looking man gazing into the pool at me.

  The moment I gasped in a breath and opened my eyes, I found Dax’s panicked eyes looking into mine.

  “I thought I was going to have to jump in there after you,” he said, sounding winded.

  I grinned.

  “Rowen used to swim in high school,” Dad said as he pocketed his phone. “She’s got a hell of a gift for holding her breath, too.”

  I looked back at Dax to see him holding his hand out for me.

  I took it, gasping when he lifted me out in one swift move.

  One second I was in the pool, and the next I was standing beside the strong man with my clothes sopping wet.

  “What did you do to your brother?” Dad asked.

  I saw my brother on the deck talking to Logan and Katy.

  Katy was still hiding behind Logan as if that would save her.

  It would… for now.

  “Excuse me,” I said as I swept past Dax and my father.

  Dax moved to the side so I wouldn’t get him wet, and I grinned.

  I wasn’t grinning at Dax, though.

  I was grinning at what I was about to do.

  Which I did in the next second.

  With Derek’s back to me, he hadn’t seen me coming in time.

  By the time he had noticed, I was already wrapped around him, soaking him.

  “Fuuuuck!” Derek said as he tried to get me off.

  “You ready?” Luke asked Dax, his voice sounding unperturbed and used to the chaos of the household around him.

  Dax flicked his eyes once more to me, then to my father. I watched from my perch on Derek’s back as he tried to get me off without hurting me.

  “Yep,” he said, eyes filled with amusement. “Ready when you are.”

  Dad and Dax left.

  Katy and Logan left.

  My mom left.

  Leaving just me and Derek on the back porch.

  He hadn’t spilled a single drop of his coffee.

  “For the love of all that’s holy, Rowen,” he growled, grabbing hold of my leg and squeezing. “I swear to God. If you don’t get off, I’m going to fucking kill you.”

  I let him go, then made sure to stick my tongue out at him.

  “I told you I had an appointment,” he grumbled darkly, looking at his very wet t-shirt.

  I rolled my eyes and walked into the house, uncaring that I was dripping on the floor.

  “Hey, I hope you’re going to clean that up!” my mom said from the counter.

  “I’m not cleaning up shit,” I told her. “You deserve the wet puddles, thank you very much.”

  My mom snickered as she grabbed her keys and her purse and started out the door.

  I ignored her too and made a hasty retreat to my room. By the time I got back out, Derek was shrugging into one of my dad’s t-shirts that said, “Beer me, please.”

  “Nice,” I said as I studied the shirt. “What’s this appointment for?”

  He ignored me.

  “Why couldn’t you take Dad to work?” I wondered.

  “Because I have to go to a doctor’s appointment before I go in today,” Derek answered.

  I must’ve missed that part of the conversation earlier.

  Not that it would’ve changed what I did or anything.

  “I have somewhere I need to go,” I said. “Can I go with you?”

  Derek narrowed his eyes.

  “Where?” he asked.

  I ran my hand down my neck.

  “One, I need to go look for a job,” I told him. “And two, I have to find a better place to stay.”

  He frowned. “Why not stay here?”

  I looked to make sure that my parents weren’t anywhere near, then lowered my voice.

  “Because there is only so much I can listen to them have sex,” I whispered. “And my room’s always been the closest.”

  Derek burst out laughing. “You can stay with me.”

  If I had to deal with one more night of my parents doing it, I just might take him up on that.

  Chapter 4

  Stop what you’re doing. Google ‘why Cornflakes were invented.’ You’re welcome.

  -Text from Rowen to Katy

  Rowen

  I took Dax’s advice and showed up at the lawyer’s office a little after eight that next morning.

  I wasn’t sure if that was too early or too late, but when I arrived, there was a woman rushing around as if she was lost and needed direction.

  “Hello!” she said as she rushed to get her shoes on. “I’m sorry, I’ll be with you in just a minute. My son just decided to shit on me.”

  I covered my mouth with my hand and tried not to laugh.

  Really, I did.

  But I couldn’t help it.

  It was just too funny.

  She laughed with me and rushed to get her shirt tucked in.

  “I have court in eighteen minutes,” she said. “Jesus Christ have mercy. Today was the first day of school, my husband isn’t here yet, and my son just shit everywhere. It’s literally all over my office couch.”

  I scratched my head, then walked farther into the room.

  “Do you have any cleaning supplies?” I asked.

  “Yes.” She pointed. “But you’re not cleaning up shit. I’m sorry. It’s a nice gesture, but I won’t let you.”

  Just then a lean, smaller man rushed through the door.

  “Jesus fucking Christ!” he yelled, not seeing me from where I was standing. “That school drop off is a fucking joke of epic proportions. How fucking hard is it to drop your kids off and fucking leave? But nooo! Blue Suburban guy had to get out of his truck, open all the doors, unload his back hatch of backpacks. Pose for pictures, give each kid a hug and a kiss. Twice. Then he left. After watching them walk all the way in the building. The least he could’ve done was park and do all that
shit.”

  My lips twitched at his words.

  “Oh, hello,” he said. “Who are you?”

  “Your son just shit all over the couch!” the woman yelled. “I have to leave. Can you handle that?”

  The man was already nodding. “Yes, dear.”

  She was out the door in less than two seconds.

  The man looked at me.

  “Can I help you?” he asked.

  I licked my lips. “I’m here to apply for a job.”

  He blinked. “Are you a receptionist?”

  I shook my head. “No, sir.”

  “A cleaning lady?” he wondered.

  “No, sir.”

  “Do you know how to cook?” he asked.

  I paused at that. “Yes.”

  “Would you like a job as a nanny?” he wondered.

  I grinned at that. “No, sir. I’m a lawyer. I just graduated. I have a year of interning under my belt. I’ve passed the Bar exam. And I’m local, I’d love to work in the town that I grew up in.”

  The man blinked, then blinked again.

  “What’s your name?” he asked, gesturing for me to follow him.

  I did, finding a baby on the floor on a blanket.

  A very naked baby.

  He—and yes, it was definitely a he—was cute. About six to eight months old at most, he had a beautiful smile and looked exactly like the man that was now looking at him with a stern expression on his face.

  “You, Mr. Clancy Tolbert Junior, are a menace.”

  So the man I was talking to was Clancy Tolbert the first?

  Mr. Tolbert’s eyes turned to the couch.

  “That’s gonna stain,” he said. “Did Jenny happen to mention where the cleaning supplies were before she rushed out of here?”

  I left the room and came back moments later with the cleaning supplies that Jenny had shown me before she’d hightailed it out of the office.

  Moments after I got back, I heard the bells on the door sound again, announcing someone’s arrival.

  Before Mr. Tolbert could even make it to the door of his office, Jenny was back, looking a lot less frazzled.

  “They canceled court today because the judge has the flu,” she said as she came in. “Goddamn, I need a nap.”

  Her eyes came to me, and she smiled.

  “This is…” Mr. Tolbert stopped, eyeing me.

  “Rowen Roberts,” I said, holding out my hand to the woman.

  She shook her head.